Human Contradiction.

I have no self confidence,

yet I have a massive ego

I want to turn my life around,

yet I want to die

I want people to think I have no weakness

yet all I want to do is cry

I want to be the best at everything,

yet I don't want to try

I want to stop hurting myself

but that's all I seem to do

I don't want people seeing my scars

yet I want them to know I'm scared

When I wake up, I want to be happy,

But I don't want to wake up anymore.

I am the human contradiction.

                                                       -G.S.

Please note, this is not my work, it just seems very relevant to me.  

I don't get it.

Yet, I understand it all to well.


I just want to scream. And yell. I don't get it. But at the same time I understand all too well. I want to kick and punch walls. Why do people hurt so bad. How come no one noticed. How did I not notice. I want the hurt to go away. I want the pain to go away. I want the fear to go away.

No one deserves to hurt so bad. Not me, not her, not you. 

I love you. 

It's time.

You know, the election this year really got me thinking. Now that I am an adult and can actually vote. That was a little overwhelming. I thought I wasn't ready to grow up, but really, I didn't want to grow. In one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, she says:

So here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

Could still be little

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

It could still be simple

I still wanted to be little. I wanted to be able to depend on people. But, I can't. I'm not just a kid anymore. I'm ready to face the real world, I'm here. And, honestly it can be terrifying. I'm away from my family, my friends, my city, my state. I thought I was away from all I knew. But, I'm not. I have the gospel. I still am able to attend church every Sunday. Although, we met in the drama department, and there's no children crying and giggling during sacrament, it's the same. The gospel keeps me going. Where would I be with out the gospel? I would be lost. 

The future scares me. I don't know who will be replaced, who will have left, and who will have changed. But more importantly, who I'll met. So maybe it's not so much the future I'm scared of, but the people who will or will not be in my future. 

Maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm not. Only time will tell. 

 Live life as life today.                                 

 Love it in every way. 

reasons.

I am so upset by the world. Everything just feels wrong and confused. People aren't who they say they are. Things that aren't supposed to happen, happen. Nothing is right anymore. 

• I feel so taken advantage of. Is that an awful thing to say? Well, it's true, I feel as if so many people take advantage of me. But, I don't know why?

• Do I even have real friends? Friends who genuinely care about me?

• Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anyone and you don’t want to fake being happy? But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either? There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one is constantly asking you what’s wrong, and there isn't anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do. Just because. You hope this will pass on, and that you’ll be yourself again, but until then, all you can do is wait.

• I’m thinking that sometimes you just have to make the decision to be happy. Just realize that things aren't ever what you hoped they’d be. Not ever. For anybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is that there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who accept what comes their way.

• I just want everyone to be happy, and so many people aren't. It really breaks my heart to see all these people who aren't. But what break my heart even more is knowing that no one cares that they aren't happy, or that they don't notice. 

it.

Savannah is my best friend in this whole entire world, I honestly don't know where I would be with out her. She's kinda cool.
She thinks I should adopt, but I think I'll just get knocked up.

It's cheaper.

Happened.

Going to college has always been a dream of mine. A dream I never thought would become a reality. But, it has. It's not what I expected.

chopped.

My heart wasn't ready to be back here. Either was my brain. 

But, I'm here and I can't really remove myself now. 

I just don't know what to do.

They were so happy together. At last, he found someone who almost perfect for him. And then they fell apart. Unexpectedly to me. 

But I have always known he has feelings for me. Throughout all of the relationships and promises saying he didn't, I knew he did. 

I'm not the only one though. Which honestly, kind of hurts. And I don't know why. 

I don't know if I am ready for a relationship. I'm still afraid. 

He's  so sweet, and so caring but I don't want to get hurt. And, it's easier to run away from the problem than get hurt. 

I just don't think my heart is all the way there. 

so

I don't know what to think anymore. The world has gone crazy. So much deception. So much untruth. Nobody seems to stand for anything these days.
I think life would be so much more simple if everyone was honest. And, don't get me wrong people do try. But, they end up hurting someone else in the process of honesty. How does that work? Because people aren't willing to accept the truth. They won't believe it.

I simply don't understand.

trying.

I don't know how I feel. I'm excited to graduate, but at the same time I feel completely crushed. School is all I have known. Yes, I will still go to school but it's not the same. I won't be able to see my best friends everyday. I won't be able to go home and complain to my mom about how awful people are. I'm  moving four hours away from home to go to school. A school that I have only been to once in my life. A school that I know very little about. With thousands of new people. I'm terrified about growing up.

tribute...

to myself.
I have an irrational fear of people punching me.

I have a secret obsession with yard gnomes, but am slightly terrified of them.

I can only put gas in my car in stalls 4,7, and 11.

I refuse to call my school by it's actual five word title, I prefer 'the academy'

I like going on adventures.

I really am a fan of ninth graders. I prefer them over children my own age.

I love airplanes, and would like to try standing up while take-off. I'm sure that's dangerous.

I am addicted to cupcakes. Any kind, every kind, all sizes, ALL. But, the best ones come from the cocoa bean cafe. Delightful.

I have some of the best friends. Most of them are little though.


I guess I'm just not very average. I just live a better life than everyone else.