cleansing

warning; long post. about me. I am a bad blogger. sue me.
I like fresh starts. 
Do you know who I am? I am Meghan.

I simply love life, but life hasn't always been easy for me. (I am going to share some of my life story now, judge me if you want, critize me, hate me. I don't mind) You see, in second grade i was diagnosed with Explosive Child Syndrome. The best way I can describe it is, everything in my mind is on a schedule, and I can't handle change. So, when something is not accurate I loose control. For example, one day in second grade it was a tuesday and my teacher told me that we were going to computer class. No, i couldn't go, it was tuesday, we go to computers on thursdays. I simply refused to go. I lost all control and anger was sent through my body. She told me that another class switched us days and that they would go on thursday when we were supposed to go. Something that simple, something that most children would understand or not even care, sends me into an attack mode. it lead to suspension. and then I was required to see the school counsler. He was scary. I didn't like him. I had to go see him everyday. My mom pulled me out of public school and put me into a charter school. My poor third grade teacher had to deal with me. It was her first year teaching. it was a brand new school. and she had me as a student. I wasn't a bad student. but, she had learned to watch her every move. She worked so hard for me. I loved that lady.

Fourth grade, things weren't really getting better they seemed to be getting worse. ADHD. I agree, it's over diagnosed these days. Several medication experiments and things started looking up. I was the Meghan that my mom longed for.

Fifth grade: This year was alright. Extreme mood swings became my new best friend.

Sixth grade, this was the year I decided to have friends. I wanted friends now. I didn't want to be the quite shy girl who ate peaches in a corner. I let school work slip and made friends. But, i wasn't happy because I let school slide. I tried to maintain both only to make me feel overwhelmed.

Seventh grade: I was still in the whole 'i want friends' phase, but school did become slightly more important. I still wasn't totally myself. I was still having emotional problems. bi polar disorder came into the picture. say what? yeah. that's where i predict most people will consider me crazy and terminate me from their lives. understandable. seventh grade was also the year where my math teacher said 'you're stupid and worthless and you'll never get anywhere in life' my mom pulled me out of charter school and put me into PGJR in January. Is it just me or is it extremely hard to make friends in the middle of the school year especially if you moved a little over a year before and haven't gone to public school since second grade? it was hard. The only 'group' that would really accept me was the kids i shouldn't be with. I got involved in the wrong crowd.  Nothing bad happened, but it so easily could've.

eighth grade: new charter school. fresh start. no friends. This year was truly the hardest year I have ever faced. This is when manic depression showed up in my life. Suicide was constantly on my mind. I didn't think that life was worth living. No body wanted me. I wanted to quit. There were so many times where things could've ended tragically. intense therapy. nothing seemed to work. I turned to the Lord.
I have always hear the quote "life is about finding yourself". Well, once some one told me "life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself". wow. life changing. I didn't want to leave this world with a half finished creation. that would be embrassing. i didn't want to 'create' my death. i really wanted to change. i really wanted to be happy.

Now, I am going into eleventh grade and am doing alot better. But, that doesn't mean there aren't the times where I still feel like I am nobody, where no one loves me, i question the meaning of life, i do things i regret out of anger. Sometimes I can't control my emotions. I want to so badly, but I am not capable of it. 

Life doesn't come easily for me. And, i don't think it comes easily for anyone else. But, this is my story. I pulled through when there were so many times when no one thought I would. I am grateful to be here. I love life.
the end.
p.s. i am not afraid of comments. (: