Tuesday, June 21, 2011

just trying.

Lots of things have happened. I don't even know where to start.
My life got confusing. I started liking a boy. He made me feel good. I didn't want a relationship. But, he told me he would wait. I went to school three days later and he was 'going out' with another girl. I felt destroyed. I felt like I was wrong for not wanting a relationship. This was all my fault. But, I let him have Alex. I still wanted to be his friend though. It kind of worked. Until I confessed that I still liked him and I got jealous every time I would see him with Alex. He said he would leave Alex and come back to me. No... That would look so bad. It would make both of us look like terrible people. Well, things happened.
We liked each other again, but me being me, I was afraid. I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of trust. I am afraid of getting hurt. I couldn't do it. I just wanted to be friends. But, I know he wanted more than that. I felt awful, I was hurting him while trying to protect myself. I don't want to hurt people. I never try to.
We continued this 'meghan is afraid' phase for a while.
       He's a basketball player, I am a cheerleader. Our school went to state, so obviously both of us were down there for the weekend. On the bus ride down, girls aren't allowed to sit with the guys, it is to distracting. So, we sat apart. Which honestly was alright by me. I like alone time. My friend Ryan came and sat by me about halfway there and the coach didn't care because he knows that Ryan and me are like siblings. I could tell that Roy was jealous. And secretly, i enjoyed it because I had to watch him be with other girls. But, I only enjoyed it for a while, then i fell asleep.
       We were at the hotel and I just really wanted to be with him. My friends were with their boyfriends and I felt alone. He was out getting dinner so, I only got to see him for about thirty minutes before I fell asleep, while everyone went out and played in the halls.
       The next day was Sweethearts, so we had to race home to get back for our day dates. I went with one of my best friends, Seth. It was so much fun. But, halfway through the night I just wanted to be with Roy(who isn't allowed to go to dances). I went home and told him that and he was soo sweet about it. I almost fell in love.
      Roy and I had alot of rough spots. Sometimes I refused to be his friend because he made me so mad and people were saying that he talked bad about me and I felt defeated. I knew that would happen if I liked a guy,, that is why I haven't until then. And, when we hit the rough spots, they weren't easy.
           Everything changed March 18, 2011. I was at a stomp(fun, casual, party dance) early with Student Council setting up. We finished early but, didn't have enough time to go home and then come back. So, me being me, I laid in the hallway of the school and just stared at the world. Then... somebody came in. This kid and I had barely talked. But, he came up to me and started talking to me and then we went into the dance, because it started(just so you know, I hate dances.). It was a black light dance, they had highlights and markers to write on yourselves with so you would 'glow' and he wrote 'i love meghan' which i thought was completely hilarious, and knew it didn't mean anything. Then a slow song came on, and we danced. We danced like no one else in the world was there. It felt amazing. I felt that way the whole night, until he had to leave. And, we walked out the the foyer and he just hugged me for five minutes. It felt perfect, it felt right. I think I fell in love then.
       And, then Roy found a new Meghan(true story. hahaha) and I had this boy. I think I am in love. But, that doesn't mean anything. We are just friends.
       But, it just feels right.

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